


Never Is a Promise

by dreamthieff



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, Friendship, It's just about love and fear, James is a big ol' Aries, M/M, Marauders' Era, Promises, Remus POV, Remus/ Lily friendship is my life, The Prank™, Trust, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-29
Updated: 2018-11-29
Packaged: 2019-09-02 07:25:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16782373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamthieff/pseuds/dreamthieff
Summary: Remus doesn't want to let anyone in, doesn't want to allow himself to fall in love. But things never work as we would want them to. Sometimes love makes us strong, just as it makes us weak. Life isn't gentle as it teaches Remus how that works.A study of three parts of Sirius Black and Remus Lupin's relationship throughout the years.





	Never Is a Promise

Remus Lupin was a boy, son of a wizard who was a world-renowned authority on Non-Human Spirituous Apparitions, Lyall Lupin, and a muggle woman, Hope Howell. Lyall was well known for his negative commentary on dark creatures, more specifically, werewolves. Which was why Fenrir Greyback, a dangerous werewolf, retaliated by biting and turning his only son.

Stigmatized because of the werewolf condition, Remus wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to attend Hogwarts. However, life decided to let him breathe for a while and, with proper arrangements, he was allowed to study in the most famous school of witchcraft and wizardry.

So, he attended Hogwarts ever so afraid of people finding out about his "problem." But without any way to anticipate nor prevent it, he became best friends with the noisiest boys in the whole school. He didn’t know if he wanted to tell them because, knowing them, that would put them and everyone in danger. Remus was used to dealing with shit on his own. He told himself t wasn't a big deal. He always did.

However, every month was getting worse, he progressively got more damaged by each moon that passed. The wolf didn’t like to be caged in a house. The wolf needed to be released. Remus felt sick all the time. His friends couldn’t guess why. Peter noticed, James noticed. Sirius was one of the first ones to notice. Everything was telling him not to tell his friends. But one day in second year after a very rough night, he woke up in the Hospital Wing with the sight of his three best friends. Remus freaked out. He thought that was it. That would be his last day at Hogwarts. Everyone would know that he was a monster and he would be forced to leave. He would even go willingly. But no, his friends had stayed and they planned on staying for good. Remus didn’t know what to do with that information.

Even though he tried to lie low most of the time, he couldn’t help the mischievous part of him that wanted to be part of Sirius and James’ idiot plans to turn the school upside down. He hated it. He loved it. As long as they were not caught, he could always add his insight to their pranks. But they always got caught.

Even if he and Peter didn’t act, well, actively, in many of the pranks, they were still known for being in the friend group. I mean, the whole school knew about James Potter and Sirius Black, but they also knew about James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. They were always together, through thick and thin. Remus felt really grateful to have found people who actually liked him for who he was. Though, sometimes, Remus still felt nervous that he would do or say something that would break the spell. That would show his friends that he was not actually worth all that much. He tried to keep that feeling hidden though, and make the best of each day. But it was still in there.

Although he loved his friends, they could really, really be pains in the ass. In the over exaggerated Gryffindor way. James, sometimes, more often than not, really was loud as a washing machine. He was one of the best students at Hogwarts, was incredibly gifted at Quidditch and had a lot of luck with the ladies, so Remus knew that sometimes he couldn’t help it. But James sometimes went a little over the top. That’s when he and Sirius would share that look of acknowledgement. The James look, if you’d like. They both knew that their friend was wild fire, and that when he did things, they would end up being either legendary or a disaster.

It was the latter more often than not when Lily Evans was around. Remus loved Lily. They got along really, really well since the very first days of school. They often studied together and helped each other with classes. She always questioned him about why he would hang out with people like Black, Potter or even Pettigrew that did everything over the top, when he, on the other hand, was such a calm guy himself. Remus couldn’t really explain it. He knew that, somewhere inside him, he was just like them: chaotic, loud. And that, somewhere inside them, they were just like him.

One of the things that surprised Remus the most when he met James was that he was one of the most caring people he had ever met. He cared about the people he loved with passion and integrity. He would do literally anything to keep them safe and sound. He could also be very gentle in the way he did things. He handled things with care and respect. Well, if they deserved it. He was one of those people that if he loved you, then he would love you unconditionally. That was hard at first to understand for Remus. He had this feeling that people were always testing him. Looking out for the minute he messed up. But it was not like that with James.

Peter was also a fragile guy, that’s one of the first things Remus had learned about him. For years he had tried to build this image of toughness that would match James or Sirius’, but Remus could see past that. He was someone who was always terrified of the big world outside, and Remus couldn’t really blame him.

Sirius, on the other hand, was all emotion. That was something Remus had learned since the very beginning. Everything Sirius did was packed with the fire of his feelings. He could be really chaotic, but all of that came from whatever was deep inside him. His nerves, his happiness, his insecurities, his anger. Remus had learned to read him like a book. Strangely so, Sirius had also learned to read him as well.

They understood each other really well. They were both observant, they were both sensitive (and pretended not to be), and they were both harmed. Maybe that was why Sirius had been so eager to ask him what was up each time he left on a full moon, or why he eyed him suspiciously the days that followed. It could also be why sometimes Remus noticed the moments where Sirius would stare out of the window lost in his thoughts for a few seconds. Or why he would notice him go quiet when people mentioned his brother or family.

They were in sync somehow, whatever that meant. That also meant they fought a lot, because they were both stubborn idiots who knew the other was right.

Despite it all, Remus couldn’t imagine a life without them. He hoped that they would all grow old and still catch up each year to watch some Quidditch game and mock James’ hair. He couldn’t imagine it going any other way. That, if he was still around. He didn’t know much about his life expectancy because of his condition, but he only hoped the wolf wouldn’t kill him before time did. Or hunger. He wasn’t sure if he would even be able to get a job being a werewolf. He hated thinking about it, so he tried to enjoy his time at Hogwarts as much as he could. But the thought always made its way through his brain like an apparition. His friends were always positive and cheered him up because, “moony, you’re responsible and a bloody genius so fuck anyone who dares to reject you.” So he would just share a little smile and shrug, but something told him that the real world wouldn’t be as easy as they all thought it would be.

The idea of his condition became realer and more apparent as the years went by, especially by 4th year, when everyone started dating.

Ah, the hormones. Gotta love them. They were a thing. Especially if your name was James Potter. Oh, the fun he and Sirius had watching James go all disastrous whenever Lily was around. It was cringe worthy, a mess, ridiculous and beautiful at the same time. Remus felt for his friend but he would be lying if he said that it wasn’t at least a little satisfying seeing someone who excelled at every single thing fail miserably at one. Just one of the joys in life. He still knew that they would end up together, though. Remus was no psychic, but he was sure of that as he was sure there was an octopus at the lake. James just had to dig his head out of his ass, but, knowing him, he would try and give Lily the world (and that’s what Lily deserved). The best thing was that, that year, Peter had way more luck than James since he started dating a girl from Ravenclaw. Remus was proud as hell, especially seeing the shock on Sirius’ face every time they passed by holding hands. Sirius had a lot of girls behind him waiting to be acknowledged, but he never seemed to notice them. Remus knew he did, but he just never acted on it. As in for him, well, he tried to stay as far away from romance as he could.

By 5th year, James was on the same boat. The attacks on half-bloods and muggles were getting worrisome and Lily couldn’t deal with all that plus having James Potter behind her. Remus understood that, especially since people were also giving him shit for being half-blood, Severus included.

He sometimes noticed Snape following him around, and randomly asked him questions about the stages of the moon. It had gotten worse ever since Peter, Sirius and James had become animagi to keep Remus company. It was driving Remus insane, because it meant that he had started putting pieces together. That infuriated both James and Sirius, and gave Snape hell whenever they saw him. Remus should have put a stop to that, but he was also afraid that Snape would reveal his secret so he remained quiet. He knew that Lily was disappointed in him for not doing anything, and to be honest, he hated himself a little for that as well.

Anyway, Lily was really not in the mood for James’ advances on her, but she was also not in the mood to deal with Snape’s shit, and that at least cheered James up a little. Peter started dating a girl from Slytherin, and even if that made him a little nervous, Remus was still proud.

Sirius had been acting different that year, with him being disowned and Merlin knows what else, he had his emotions amplified by ten thousand. He was like a walking exclamation point, or maybe Remus was more sensible to those things. His hair was longer, his eyes shinier, and he had even grown taller. He, sometimes, showed a winning smile that made Remus want to punch a wall. No reason. He still didn’t give any attention to the big amount of girls, and even guys, that were behind him as he made his way through life. That made Remus feel a little better about him also not having anyone.

One day, though, a Hufflepuff girl approached Remus and asked him if he wanted to go to Hogsmeade with her. That obviously resulted in James whistling in the back and Peter slamming the table where the four of them were studying. Remus turned a very unique shade of red, as James would describe later, and out of panic had said yes. After that he’d freaked out not knowing why the hell he had said yes if he couldn’t risk liking anyone. But it didn’t have to mean anything, he could have a nice time with a nice girl and, hey, he could probably have a new friend at the end of the day. James had other plans. He was probably more excited than everyone in the room together, and was hyping Remus about the date. He began telling him about the “right ways” to treat a lady. Remus just rolled his eyes. Peter was nodding along to everything James was saying, and Sirius just smiled absently towards the window.

He ended up having a great time on his date, and at the end where the girl had approached him for a kiss, he gently stopped her, telling her that he had really enjoyed the day but that he wasn’t really looking for anything and that they should still be friends. As he left her looking like a ghost at the door of her common room, he made his way to Gryffindor’s where he stayed the whole night in a couch secretly crying about everything he would never get to have.

The next day when he got to his dorm, James didn’t want to let him go until he told them every little thing that had happened. When he got tired of insisting that nothing had happened, he dragged James out to get breakfast, with Peter giving him funny looks and Sirius ignoring his gaze altogether.

A few weeks later came the prank. Remus thought he had known how betrayal felt like until he learned what Sirius had done. He had gotten used to this idea that this thing he had with his friends was unbreakable, that it was the only solid thing he had in his life. That had shuttered in a single night. He didn’t know what was real anymore. He’d trusted his friends with his secret, he’d trusted his friends with his life and then everything was falling apart. He’d thanked James for putting a stop to it, then he had looked at Sirius in the eye, really looked at him, to then not speaking to him for at least two months. Sirius was mortified. He apologized to Remus every chance he could. He tried to catch him alone or unaware but Remus always found an excuse to leave. Sirius sent him letters, charmed objects, did everything to get to Remus, but he couldn’t let it go.

He’d broken his trust, worse, he had shuttered it, and Remus didn’t think anything could fix it back the way it was. It hurt him a lot, being showered with the cold realization that he still couldn’t trust people. People had deceived him many, many times while growing up because he was different, and when he had met his friends he thought that it didn’t always have to be like that. That there were people worth risking everything for. But that had broken. He knew that maybe he was overreacting, but then he thought of Sirius and his heart broke even more. Sirius, of all people. Sirius, who knew him like no one, who read him, who saw him. If anyone knew how much this would hurt Remus, it was Sirius. And he had gone and done that anyway. That couldn’t be forgiven nor forgotten that easily.

One day, Sirius caught Remus walking by a greenhouse and stopped in front of him. This time, Remus stayed in place and watched.

“Remus.” Sirius said, with conviction. He looked a little nervous now that Remus was finally facing him, but Sirius never lost his tone.

“Yeah?” Remus tried to sound as apathetic as he could.

“For fucks’ sake, Remus.” Sirius walked closer to him. Remus refused to move. “Thank Merlin you’re talking.”

“Is that all you wanted to say? Because I’ve got other-”

“You’re not running away this time, Moony.” Sirius stopped him. “Listen, I- I’ve said this probably a thousand times by now but, I fucked up. Shit, I really, really messed up. There is no excuse to what I did. No excuse.”

Sirius had, indeed, said that probably a thousand times, but Remus remained there, in front of him.

“Snape- No. I’m sorry. It doesn’t matter what Snape did. I reacted wrongly. I thought that it would make him stop getting in the way, that he would stop bothering you, but- fuck, I’m just such an idiot.” He pressed his hand against his forehead.

Remus was already regretting that he stopped, feeling the way his heart started beating so fast he felt it on his ears. He remained put, though. That’s all he had.

“Moony, I would never do anything to hurt you, an-”

“But you did.” Remus whispered barely loud enough to listen, surprising himself.

Sirius tried to meet his eyes, leaning closer. “Huh?”

Remus raised head and stared at him dead in the eyes. “You did.”

Sirius remained there, in front of him, like a stone. The only things betraying him were his eyes, loud as always. After a while, Sirius said “I will never let that happen again.”

Remus’ smile carried the weight of every single promise he had ever been given as he said. “I don’t believe you.”

Sirius flinched, like a kicked puppy. Remus was already tired of the conversation, he felt as though it had lasted a lifetime when they must have been talking for less than a minute. Deep inside of him, he had wanted this conversation to happen. He had wanted for that broken string to go back to where it had been. But being there, at that moment, it didn’t seem possible. It felt like another life.

He wanted to turn around, leave, go back to hiding in the library with Lily, or to the tallest tower in the castle. But as he was about to turn around, Sirius came closer, pressing a careful hand on his shoulder. “I promise you.” Sirius said, with his voice, with his eyes. Those loud fucking eyes. “I will never hurt you again.”

And Remus wanted to punch something. Incendio some shit. He wanted to kick and scream and cry and cry and cry. Instead, he gave in to those arms that were embracing him. He realize that he was, indeed, crying, and he was, indeed, kicking, and punching. But those arms held him tight and close until he had no more strength left. He tried to breathe, compose himself. The only person who had seen him get like that was his mother. He being so frustrated about everything, his past his present, his lack of future, that he just couldn’t handle it anymore. He had almost destroyed his room, but his mother had carefully approached him and held him tight, enough so that none of his broken pieces would fall off. Tight enough to mend him back again. Just like Sirius was holding him then. He would have felt ashamed, but Remus had held Sirius the same way one night, after he had returned from home after being disowned, he had locked himself in the bathroom so he wouldn’t wake James up. When Remus heard Sirius walk he had known that something was wrong. He alohomora’d his way into the bathroom and found Sirius punching the walls. He’d taken his firsts into his hands, getting some punches his way, but managed to get his arms and hold him tight. Sirius melted into the embrace after a few minutes of fighting, just as Remus was doing it then. Something had bloomed inside Remus’ chest that night, and he felt that exact same thing on his chest then.

He slowly separated from Sirius’ arms.

“Fuck you.” He said, smile tired but genuine this time.

Sirius explored his face for a bit. Remus felt strange. “I missed you, Moony.”

The embrace had mended and woken many things. There was something that had been left unsaid, but, either way, for the first time in months, they walked together to the common room.

There was no one happier about them speaking again than James. When he saw them enter the common room together, he jumped from his seat and ran up to them to give them a ferocious hug, with Peter following. It was hug day, apparently. Remus just gave in into it. You could say that he was happy, in that moment, hugging his three best friends, because he was. Only he still felt somehow of a hand clenching his heart. He was worried he would never trust Sirius again. Then, he turned around to look at him, only to find him looking back.

In the weeks that followed, things started getting slightly back to normal. Remus started eating with the Marauders again, doing homework with them, joining James to his Quidditch practice, and even started working on that map of theirs again.

As they sat to eat dinner at the Great Hall, Remus saw Lily walk towards them. Remus smiled at her as she kissed his head.

“Hey Rems. Potter, Black, Pettigrew.” She said as she made her way to sit with her friends across the table.

In those months that Remus didn’t talk to Sirius, he had grown really close to Lily. He would escape to eat in the school grounds, and she would join him with a book. They studied together at the library and did all the school work together. She told him about her life at home, her muggle parents, her angry sister who she still loved above everything. He allowed himself to open up to her as well. He told her about his parents. About how his dad was a wizard but his mom was a muggle. How her eyes still opened in wonder every time Remus showed her something magical. How his father was never there. He had even thought about telling her about being a werewolf, but he had learned better.

They had become really good friends. Remus had grown up without siblings, and he knew in his heart that Lily was the sister he had always wanted.

As he turned around, he saw James with his mouth and eyes wide open.

“Now I,” and he _stressed_ the “I”, “am not speaking to you.”

“I’m sorry you had to find out this way, James.” He said in all seriousness. James broke character and really looked at him white as a ghost. Peter did the same and Sirius dropped his spoon. “She just realized that I’m the superior Quidditch player.”

James, then, just pushed him while Remus laughed and mentioned the shock he’d seen in his face. Peter followed and Remus heard Sirius breathing again.

“You’re a bloody idiot, Moony.” James said with no heat. “You still have more chances with her than I do.”

Remus rolled his eyes.

“You know James,” Remus said, as he looked at Lily, who smiled at him to then quickly gazing at James and off, then back to James and then to her friends. “I would not be that sure.”

“Oh, no. Don’t encourage him.” Sirius said faking annoyance.

James opened his eyes as big as plates. “Moony. My moons. What information do you have?”

Remus gave him a big smile. “I’m not the person you should be speaking to.”

James looked at him, then at Evans, then at him, and Remus wished he had a way of recording all the emotions that went through James’ face. After the prank incident, James had changed. He was more careful with people and only acted when the situation really needed it. He had more patience with Snape and with Slytherins overall, and seemed more mature than ever before. He knew that Dumbledore had talked to James, Sirius and Peter after Snape had gone running to him about the incident. Remus was sure something in that conversation had marked James.

Remus was not the only one who had noticed James changing. When he was with Lily and James crossed by, she would stare for a few seconds to then refocusing again. She would sometimes ask Remus why there hadn’t been any big pranks recently and he answered that they had all been busy lately, casually commenting that James had started tutoring first and second years. He tried to hide his smile seeing the way Lily’s eyes shined. He loved a good old slow burn.

As he watched the spectacle in James’ face, he noticed eyes going on and off him.

He had been noticing those eyes for the past few weeks, lingering on him when he thought he wasn’t looking. But Remus was always aware of his environment. As all those times, when he turned Sirius turned to focus on his food.

Remus didn’t know what to do with that. Especially with the thing he felt deep inside his stomach. He knew it was because of the betrayal, but it was also mixed with something else. It had kept Remus awake one night, exploring that feeling.

It made sense, he had thought. There was a reason why the prank had hurt Remus more than he could have possibly imagined. There had to be something else buried in there, and as Remus dig into those feelings, it hurt more and more. It was hard enough that a person you loved betrayed you, but it was wrecking that a person you were in love with did so.

Remus thought that he should have known, because there had never been anyone else. Of course, he had been repressing any kind of romantic or sexual feelings since his hormones started blooming. If he had hidden that date with that Hufflepuff girl, Helena, deep beneath his psyche, then he was not surprised that he had buried his feelings for one of his best friends. Muggles never discussed homosexuality or bisexuality, and when they did it was to refer to those things as something that didn’t have to exist. It was never really discussed at his home while growing up, but whenever either David Bowie, Prince or Freddie Mercury appeared on TV, he couldn’t keep his eyes off them. He had convinced his mom to buy The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and The Spiders from Mars for him, and he sometimes played it in the dorm. “Starman” was Sirius’ favorite. It was also his’.

Remus didn’t really know if wizards had anything against queer people, but they held a high standard for blood purity, and being gay didn’t exactly help keeping the blood line alive. He had never really questioned his sexuality, because, of course, he didn’t think about his sexuality at all. He only knew that he would have liked to kiss Helena after their date. He also knew that he wanted to run his fingers’ through Sirius’ hair, and to follow the lines of his face with them.

The thought felt so good that it pained him. He had never allowed himself to go that far, and he didn’t know what to do. He liked Sirius, and Sirius had gone and broken his trust. What could come out of something like that? He couldn’t help but feel bitter. Even if he felt as he had never connected with anyone as he had with him. Even if the thought of Sirius’ smile started a thousand fires inside of him.

He really didn’t know what to do.

And now Sirius was looking at him like that.

Remus was convinced that Sirius was feeling that way towards him just because he felt guilty. He didn’t deny the possibility of Sirius liking men, because, overall, it made sense. But maybe Sirius was confusing his guilt with something more, so Remus tried to ignore his gaze. Only it was getting harder and harder each day. Once you opened the Pandora box, well, there was not going back from that.

He saw Sirius stare at his food, and when he looked back up again, he met his gaze. And held it. And they both looked at each other for what it seemed like the longest time. Remus felt like he had drunk and something was burning his insides, but he let it happen until Sirius dropped his gaze. He felt hot and high in adrenaline. He also felt stupid. What was he doing?

When he turned his gaze back to James, he wasn’t there. He was across the table talking to Lily, and Lily was actually listening to him. He turned to give Sirius ‘The James Look’, but Sirius was gone. Peter wasn’t in sight either.

He looked around to check the perimeter and spotted Sirius walking towards the door. He got up and followed him. He caught up with him out of the door.

“Sirius.” Sirius turned around and, funnily enough, he was red. He still held his posture, as always.

“Remus.” He said, softly. Loud eyes looking right at him, piercing every single piece of common sense he had left.

The hallway was empty, there were only the two of them. Remus felt like floating, and at the same time the bravest he had ever felt. What the hell was he doing?

He approached him, slowly, without taking his eyes off him, and gently grabbed one of Sirius’ hands in his. He could feel Sirius vibrating, as he was too. Sirius gave a step closer, lifting his arm to run his fingers across Remus’ cheek, where a small scar rested. Remus couldn’t help but shutter.

Sirius gave him a little smile. “I’ve been wanting to do that since you got it.”

Remus frowned. He had gotten that scar in third year. Then, he understood.

Sirius moved his fingers across the scar that ran across his nose. “This one too.” Remus closed his eyes. It was all too much to handle. Sirius kept running his fingers gently across his face and stopped at his cheek again. Remus opened his eyes and leaned in.

The kiss was awkward at first, none of them knowing how to position their lips. But as they laughed and kept going, they found the perfect pace. Kissing, Remus thought, was like eating chocolate. Sweet, consuming and then you just couldn’t stop. He felt himself melting as he kissed Sirius, one hand on the back of his head, the other still holding his hand. He thought he would never get tired of kissing him. He didn’t care about what he was doing anymore. But he did.

They broke off the kiss and Remus was really fucking scared. He felt his breathing uneven. Sirius put both of his hands on his face.

“Remus? Remus. Listen to me. Hey, it’s okay. Look at me.” He did. “Hey. It’s okay, breathe.”

Whatever had been put inside of himself was blooming and it felt like the branches grew every fucking where. He was bare open, like he had never been before.

“Remus. Listen to me.” Remus opened his eyes and put his hands on top of where Sirius’ were resting. “I will never hurt you again.”

If Remus believed that in that moment, he never knew. But that had been the beginning of what taught Remus what love really meant. From then on, they held each other tight, tight so their broken pieces wouldn’t fall, hoping they would eventually mend again.

**Author's Note:**

> *vine voice* but you didn't


End file.
